Matt

iamforever @ 2006-07-18T00:22:00

2006-07-18T04:57:28Z

Who's still lurking around this livejournal deal? I guess this counts as lurking, so I guess I am. I think I'll say a few things...

I met a girl, right around the time I was swearing off any sort of intimate interaction with girls. Go figure. I still don't understand this desire that infects the majority of us. Why do we "need" someone by our side to feel content? Why rely on someone else for our happiness? It's such a faulty idea. But I'm enjoying this.

iamforever @ 2006-05-04T15:37:00

2006-05-04T19:39:24Z

We are only animals, swimming through layers of momentary illusion.

iamforever @ 2006-04-26T18:55:00

2006-04-26T22:58:19Z

I'm not so turned around anymore. I think I've opened up in the widest way imaginable, and all urgency slipped right out. People are ridiculous creatures.

iamforever @ 2005-11-04T03:56:00

2005-11-04T08:57:06Z

I think this will be my last entry, for a good while. I feel it's about time for me to start trying a little harder at this life deal, and I have a feeling one less distraction from it may help me out a good bit. Much like my guitars, my life as it is now needs a restringing, and maybe a little bit of a realignment. And then I can worry about setting it in tune (I've gotta get myself a little more organized and motivated before things can really be... harmonious ((?)) again, in non-guitar player terms). I haven't been handling certain situations very well, and I think I've been avoiding a lot of people who are just trying to help me get past the mess at hand. I'm sorry for that, and I can honestly tell you (all of you) I'm making an effort to change that. It may take some time - no, it'll definitely take some time - before I 'come around', but it will happen.

In other happenings: I've felt pretty creative lately. I've been trying to write more and play my guitars more (busted and unstrung as they may be). So far, and I think it has a lot to do with my general mood as of late, I haven't impressed myself so much. I just need to focus less on the negative and more on what I feel is decent. That's hard for me a lot of the time, but once again, it's something I'm working with. I think something good is coming, for me as an individual. I think something very bad is happening with the population as a whole, and I think people should start looking for and holding onto the positive things, energy, people (and so on) around them so these darker times won't really seem so dark. I'm tired and I should be in bed, so that's where I'm headed. Goodnight.

iamforever @ 2005-02-03T04:32:00

2005-02-03T09:48:39Z

I am a work in progress; a megalomaniac to be, someday. Unless I can muster the ability to change my thought process and habits.
Richard made a valid point as we were playing Halo - I'm glory-hungry in everything I do. I'm not content in being just decent or moderate at things, even if I am decent, or moderate, at a multitude of things. I have to be the most or the best, or I'm not satisfied, and in many cases quite frustrated to the point of anger. Over the past few months, I've become a much much more laid-back person. My attitude has pulled a 180 on me. Still, small things bug me beyond belief. There's still the lingering desire to have the world bow at my feet, just for one day. But I suppose one day wouldn't suffice, either.
Even my livejournal username reeks of egotism. My head has been a wreck for years now, and even with the attitude overhaul, the wreck is still just that. I'm not completely sure how to begin rearranging, or just "reshelving" everything. So much has happened over these past few years, it's just hard to imagine being totally stable again.

I'm not forever.

iamforever @ 2004-12-01T20:40:00

2004-12-02T01:40:46Z

Today made me numb. It made me shake and cry and ask impossible questions. Does anyone know how it feels to lose a close friend to suicide? I hope not. It's a horrible, disgusting feeling that will stick with you for the rest of your days.

I hate this world sometimes. I love my brother, Nick. He's a decent person, with a great heart, and what he witnessed this morning... I just don't understand it. We lost one of our 'brothers' today, and he was there.

I've always felt I was the one who was supposed to fuck up and witness the fucked up, not him. He's supposed to see me and my mistakes, and hear about the disgusting things and people that I encounter, and he's supposed to stay away and be better. That's how it's been until now.

It really just doesn't seem to be real yet. Everyone says that, but it's the truth. Of all the people I've ever known, Bradley was one of the only people that could make me smile and laugh, in any situation... I just don't get it. He was happy. Or maybe not. He never let his demons show. I'm really going to miss him..

iamforever @ 2004-11-30T04:30:00

2004-11-30T09:53:25Z

Things be happenin'...

I'm in my place. I would call it my "new" place, but it's been two months since the move. So it's just my place. I get to spend every day with four of the most wonderful people I know. It's great.
Things with Amanda are going um.. good. :-D We've been together for about two months now, and well.. I don't think I'll have another depressing Winter this year.
Dalton and I are making music together again. We've been hiding ourselves away in the depths of Cave Spring, writing and writing and writing for a little over a month now. I'm pretty confident people will be surprised when we unleash what we've created. There are some naysayers and jerks talking down on us now, but just wait.
I can't believe how boring these entries are now. At least a couple of people still enjoy reading. I'm not gonna promise more frequent updates, but I'll promise to think about it, maybe.

adios

iamforever @ 2004-09-21T00:24:00

2004-09-21T04:48:23Z

Updating my livejournal always feels so odd to me, for some reason - like I'm not really supposed to have one. Anyway, I've been having dreams lately about people in my life who've moved away. Two dreams in particular I can remember quite well. The first was about about Brick. Brick moved to Arizona about two years ago, not long after Jared's dad died. That was a really hard period for all of us. It was like losing a father and a brother at the same time. The dream was unusual for me, because usually I can't make out what words are being spoken, or even clear visions of the physical features on people. But it was all clear. I was sitting in a field, a green, grassy field (it was almost a stadium-like setting), watching something with hundreds or thousands of other people. To my right, I notice a line of people seated in metal chairs, all watching the same event. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a familiar face, so I move away from my crowd (consisting of Jared, Richard, and Kerry - which is odd, in that the last night we all went out together was right before Brick left for Arizona). I reach the end of the row of chairs, and in the very last one is Brick. He looks older, somehow, and more 'grown up'. For those of you who know Brick (which may be one or two of you), you know 'grow up' is a foreign phrase to the guy. I step around him, to his right side and begin talking to him. He smiles and says,"I'm back for good", but there's some sort of distance in his words and in his eyes. He's not the same 17 year old child he was when he left. He stands up and I walk with him back to my crowd, but no one recognizes him, and then I lose him in the larger crowd. That's where my memory of the dream ends.

The second dream was about Kim. In this dream, even the 'dream Me' loses track of exactly where he is. A lot of the dream consisted of Kim and I riding around in her car, but then we stop and get out - the sun is setting, and the sky is pretty cloudy. Lots of purples and darker oranges and yellows. We walk out into a field (not a grassy field this time). It's just her and I, lying in a field that looks rough - maybe rocky and just.. a dirt field. But we're comfortable, lying together in each others' arms. I ask her how far Rome is from where we are, and she responds with, "We never left Rome." The last part of the dream is kind of fuzzy, but I remember some part about me having to rush someplace else, and having to leave her behind in the field. I remember telling her I'd be back before the end of the night. I'm not sure if I ever made it back or not.

Those dreams have left me in sort of an odd state of mind that I just can't shake. I've wanted the company of so many people that've moved away or simply grown apart from me and my life. For the past few days, every morning I've stepped outside I've felt as if I were stepping back three years. Maybe this is just some stupid phase that will go away. It's kind of nice, but very sad. Nostalgia kicks in every five minutes, and I wish I could step into some other time when I think I was happier with life. Add that to my already existing problem with delusions of grandeur, and I have a feeling I'm in for some pretty down times. I really hope I'm wrong, though.

iamforever @ 2004-07-17T03:08:00

2004-07-18T07:36:43Z

The winds are blowing stronger and stronger with change, and the troubles they once carried are sure to fade. Oh the wait's killing me.
I'll be taking a leap very soon, that could definitely unravel my very being. I could lose it all: everything I've ever known, ever been, or ever would have been. As long as I can forget this life ever existed, the new one should be no problem. Simple enough, eh?
"But is it really worth it?" I've yet to ask myself that question. Of course it's worth it. I've never been so excited, confused, nervous, afraid at the same time. I guess this is the feeling. Knowing that leap is gonna change me forever. In what ways, though? Who cares? At this point, I don't.

Straight talk:

I'm leaving Rome. And I won't be back for awhile, if ever (besides a visit from time to time). In two weeks.. two weeks exactly, I'll be on my way to my new home. I know that this is the absolute best thing I could do for myself, and for a few others. I've realized that a number of people have become far too dependent on me, and they need a reality check: they can survive without me and my money. And they'll have to, unless they just don't want to.
At the same time, I've realized I'm far too dependent on a number of people as well. Financially, I'm doing fine for myself. Emotionally though, I turn far too often to a free shoulder. It's only out of habit. I've nothing to be upset or down about anymore. Those who've troubled me, and those I've troubled - out of my head. Forgiven. Forgotten.
I hate to say my goodbyes by these means, but it'll have to do for now.
If I don't run into you before I go:

Thanks for the good times. I apologize for the bad times. Hopefully there's happiness on the breeze blowing through your life and soul. I think I've caught mine. Goodbye.
I love you.
- M

iamforever @ 2004-07-01T14:29:00

2004-07-01T18:44:38Z

Almost five months, and no update. I s'pose that's a record, for me. I think I'll skip the part where I mention how much has been going on (it's obvious a great deal goes on over a period of five months in any life). So, skipping that brings me to the now. Right now, I'm sitting in my bedroom, wearing nothing but my boxers, eating ravioli. This is how life should be. Forever.

I've found a new addiction (besides Halo), I do believe. Richard is totally responsible for this one. If anyone wants to join us check it at www.conqueronline.com. And speaking of Halo... some poor fools challenged me and the Dizzobbs to a 3v3 match, betting 100 bux they can beat us two outta three games. Yeah right.

I'm gonna be moving out soon (within the next week), so I probably won't be online so much for a little while.

I guess that's all I have for now. Adios.

iamforever @ 2004-02-02T00:13:00

2004-02-02T05:49:45Z

Ahh, it's been so long, I'm not completely sure what to type. I feel as if I've just been re-released into the world, and my fingers are burning to tell of my ventures. Since this may or may not serve as a recap of the last four months of my life, I think maybe a title for this post is necessary. I was thinking along the lines of, "There and Back Again: A Pedestrian's Tale".
It's been so long since many of you twenty users claiming me as friend have heard the slightest peep from this end, I thought I'd begin (or continue on, rather) with a reintroduction to the boy behind the words. Firstly, I am Matthew Steven Littlejohn. Remember this name. It may someday save your life, or beg for your spare pennies. But I'm more than that - more than those seven syllables. They simply represent my being.

A little over four months ago, my license to operate a motor vehicle, was suspended. It doesn't seem like such a big deal, I suppose. To be totally honest, if that's all that was suspended, it wouldn't have been. I felt I'd lost my ability to live. (Note: When the slightest 'tragedy' hits me, I have a horrible tendency to exaggerate and let things get out of hand). Things began to go downhill (all in my head, of course). I began to work longer hours around the same time, maybe a few weeks earlier, which didn't help the situation much, either. Paranoia and issues of trust crept into my relationships. Friendships were lost, temporarily, of course, but damaged, nonetheless. I seemingly (and willingly) crawled back into a hole I'd dug a year and a half earlier. I thought I'd covered it up and left those skeletons to turn to dust. I found myself dancing with them again, though.

Along with friendships fading left and right, the most important relationship in my life was being dealt more damage than any. Those issues of trust, and paranoia (which tend to run hand-in-hand) bore down on us harder and heavier than any stress we'd ever really experienced. Laura held on, though. And she held onto me, even as I slipped further and further, she refused to let go, though I know she wanted to so many times. Once again, I find myself viewing her, not only as the love of my life, but a savior in many takes on the word. Without her, I'd once again be the lost, frightened little boy who grabbed hold of her heart a little over a year ago.

I love you, Laura Eddings.

iamforever @ 2003-12-06T23:52:00

2003-12-07T05:05:39Z

You have caused so many problems over these past few months. I really hate you sometimes, and I wish you'd just go away.
You're my best friend - you know every single thing about me, which really makes sense when I think about it.
You have a lot of potential, but you tend to let apathy and self-pity take control, and it hinders any progress you could be making in the way of realizing that potential.
You scare me sometimes. You should really reassess what you have, and settle down a bit. You'll regret it if you don't.
You are the luckiest son of a bitch I know. (<period) You want too much - too many things that are simply impossible. There's nothing wrong with being a dreamer, but I think you set yourself up for disappointment too often. My first attempt at a jump onto this new bandwagon riding through the 'blog world. I'm pretty sure it'll be the last, too. This just seemed too good to pass on. I'd like to see people make some guesses, so just leave a comment if you have an idea. Adios.

iamforever @ 2003-11-20T00:06:00

2003-11-20T05:20:39Z

I think I'm starving him. That's what he deserves, anyway - for causing so many problems. When I last checked, he was still bound and passed out in that deep dark place. I really hope he passes on soon. I have a feeling he may be tougher than everyone's made him out. Only time can show me what I hope to see.

iamforever @ 2003-09-17T00:13:00

2003-09-17T04:18:37Z

Someone tell me a good story. (If I were to say this to you, I would place an emphasis on good).

iamforever @ 2003-07-23T16:11:00

2003-07-23T20:13:51Z

I'm better than all of you. At everything. Accept this now and forever be free from the horrors of humiliation.